WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY???
By Charles Last
A mass of tangled wires and connectors, going nowhere.
From our earliest days with language, the question of “why” is important to us as humans: Why does the sun come up? Why do birds sing? Why do you put on pants? Why are you holding hands? Why is the dog barking?
Those early questions can have easy answers or strangely difficult ones, depending on how you tackle them. But as you get older, the why questions become more tangled. Why did they get more ice cream than me? Why do some people not have houses? Why did they take my toy? Why are you crying? Why did they yell?
And then more tangled still... Why can’t I afford what I need to survive? Why do I feel bad after I talk to them, even when it seems fine? Why am I so tired? Why did they leave me? Why does it feel so unfair? Why does my body hurt? Why can’t they just listen to me?
AND SO ON.
The more tangled the Whys become, the more relentlessly our brains seem to return to them. It feels as if answering the Whys might solve our problems! If we could explain why something is the way it is, maybe it would feel better? Maybe our brain could rest?
The trouble is, there often aren’t answers at all to Why questions. Or the answers are so nuanced and hidden as to be useless to us.
So what can we do instead? Can we interrupt the Why questions with something more helpful?
We can start by remembering the other kinds of questions we can ask!
-
Who can I talk to about this?
Who feels safe right now?
Who do I want to be in this moment?
Who is asking this question of me right now? -
What have I done in the past to help me when I feel this way?
What feeling is biggest right now?
What do I feel called to do?
What part of me feels this way?
What part of me feels good right now? -
When have I felt this way before?
When might I expect a break from this situation?
When are my supports available to me? -
Where is this feeling in my body?
Where do I feel drawn to be right now?
Where have I felt safe?
Where are my support people?
Where can I find joy? -
How can I set this aside for now?
How can I look at this differently?
How can I reach out for help?
How am I feeling?
How am I treating myself right now?
These other questions can help us reorient our thoughts and focus on solutions, but they can also help us dig in deeper and see problems from different angles. They can break us out of our isolation and turn us towards others, or help us check in with ourselves about the social environment around us which might be contributing to our distress.
Whether there are or aren’t answers to the Why questions, it is always helpful to ask different kinds of questions to help our brain see problems from different angles. If nothing else, maybe we help our brains find a place to land and feel at peace.
